1

DEFINE THE GOAL OF TEMPER: Why we want to hurt. (Say the first thing that comes to mind, even if it seems silly)

“I must stay _____________________________ (angry, depressed, self-hating, passive, mean, guilt-ridden, sick, anxious, victimized, etc.) because:

A. It is the only way I can get ____________________(e.g. love, control, security, respect, freedom, motivate myself/others to change, escape responsibilities, stay sane, get others to take me seriously, stay in touch with reality, survive, keep others from hurting me, stay in the center of attention.)

B. If I stopped, I would lose _____________________.

Begin Healing:

a. If you had the ideal advisor/parent/friend, what words of love or chizuk would you want to hear at a time like this?

b. Imagine saying these words to yourself (you as a child,) your inner child, now.

c. Write these words down at the earliest opportunity

Step 3A: Spiritual Victories – The Will to Love

(exercises to recycle/transform for the good the energy from “the urge to hurt” in Step 2)

EVERY MOMENT OF STRESS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO EARN SPIRITUAL VICTORIES

1. ACCEPTANCE: I make G-d’s will my will. This situation is perfect for my spiritual growth, though I don’t understand exactly.

2. PRIORITIES: I focus on self-respect, love, joy, mental health. Ratzon Hashem

3. TRIVIALITIES: If this event has no eternal significance, it is a triviality. “Kikyoni”

4. WISDOM: This is a learning experience, nisayon. “Neshama game.” My neshama knows why I need this. Ask G-d, “Do you love me?”

5. AVERAGE: I, the people/event are within the 95% normal range. Averageness is humility.

6. BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT (INNOCENT): “s/He is doing/loving the best s/he can with the tools s/he has at this moment. I choose compassion. Innocent: no davka. People are not withholding; They’re giving what they can give.

7. PEACE IS NOT POWER: Ego victories are empty. I fight only on issues of danger or halacha.

8. EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT: I can learn to under-react to events/sensations/people over which I have no control. “Mental helicopter.”

9. NO RIGHT OR WRONG: except in halacha. If I can’t get it with love, I’m not meant to have it.

10. COURAGE: I can function with this discomfort.

11. THE TOTAL VIEW IS POSITIVE: (If not, outside help may be needed.)

12. PART ACTS: I choose to take the stress one minute (one shelf, one step) at a time.

13. NO COMPETING OR COMPARING: I am valuable as I am for I was created in G-d’s image. Perfectionism is a form of emotional abuse. I am perfectly imperfect.

14. GRATEFULNESS: I train my eyes to focus on Hashem’s gifts to me, not on what I think is lacking.

15. HUMILITY: I can never get all the comfort/control/kavod/closeness I crave.

16. TEMPORARY: It is phasic, not basic.

17. MASK: The insincere gesture of love, joy, sanity and confidence e is better than a sincere gesture of hatred, gloom, or anxiety. Sincere efforts generate sincere feelings eventually.

18. JOY: Self-refinement leads to true joy.

19. DO THE DIFFICULT: Doing the things I fear to do build self-confidence and self-trust.

20. REALISM OVER ROMANTICISM: I have realistic expectations for others and myself.

21. LOVE: I drop condemnations to achieve my goal of unconditional love for G-d, man, and myself.

22. OBJECTIVITY: Fears are not always facts. Let feelings rise and fade on their own.

23. SOLUTIONIZE: Fix it or ignore it. Predispose to future pain with a PEP (Positive Experiential Programming.)

24. FORGIVENESS: I forgive myself and others for our initial response.

25. FAITH: I surrender control of outer environment. I give over the person/event/pain to G-d. I let Him handle it.

26. AUTHORIATIVENESS: I take control and protect my boundaries with love, not hate.

EVERY ACT OF SELF-DISCIPLINE BUILDS SELF-RESPECT

Step 3B: CHANGE BEHAVIOR POSITIVE MUSCULAR ACTS (PMAs)

Prayed, studied Torah, consulted an expert, smiled, kept silent, confronted respectfully, breathed deeply and relaxed, shared feelings, did a chesed, apologized, took a risk wrote down my victories in my classier, walked away, exercised, empathized, cleaned, replayed the scene, etc.

“Positive actions produce positive thoughts.” (Sefer Chinuch #16)

DO NOT OPEN YOUR MOUTH UNLESS YOU HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART

Step 4 Endorsements: What would you have done before EMETT? (Celebrate every small victory over your yetzer hara so that you will be encouraged to greater victories.” CHOVOTH HALEVAVOTH VOL. , P. 23)

1. Recognized Erroneous Beliefs: e.g. “I don’t deserve love or respect because I’m not perfect.” “To get what I want, I must be abusive.” “I can’t control myself.” “If I’m rejected, I’m a failure.” “I must hurt back if I’m hurt.” “People define my value.” “Anger is power.” “If I lose control, I’ll gain control.” “EMETT isn’t helping.” “I will always be alone and unloved.” “I cannot bear disapproval.” “Pain means failure.” “Bad things happen only to bad people.”

Healthy Replacement Beliefs: E.G. “G-d loves me as I am.” “Each step I take has value.” “Effort is success.” “I’m never alone – G-d is always with me.” “I’m developing spiritual strength by facing this pain with hope and courage.” “Every moment of pain is an opportunity to develop spiritual strengths.”

2. I gave up romantic demands for perfection and comfort to develop faith in Hashem’s will.

3. I gave up exceptionality (“I’m the only one”) to develop a sense of normalcy and belonging.

4. I gave up exaggeration of discomfort (“awfulizing”) to develop inner peace.

5. I gave up extrapolating gloomily into the future (“it can only get worse”) to develop hope.

6. I gave up excessive responsibility for others’ happiness, opinions, behavior and middoth (Gave up co-dependency, the compulsion to rescue) to develop humility.

7. I gave up the urge to turn the tafel (trivial) into the ikar ( eternal) to develop proper priorities in life.

8. I gave up evading responsibility to myself and others to develop maturity.

9. I gave up eclipsing the Good (tzelem Elokim) in myself, others or the good in me to develop sanity and a loving heart.

REVELATION OF SPIRITUAL POWERS – MIDDOS

I STRENGTHENED THE FOLLOWING:

Summary Explanation of EMETT Sheet process

Daas…Neshama Divine energy

Animal soul…Nefesh Divine energy

The goal: to utilize our holy energies from our neshama and our life energy from our nefesh to sanctify His Name.

Sometimes a test occurs and we experience it as a pain. Hashem conceals Himself and we experience an event as a loss, pain or stress. This puts us at behira, our free will point. What has been created in the darkness is the possibility to make an error. Instead of sanctifying His name, we may listen to urges that create darkness for others and when we do that, we have made ourselves the Agent of the Soton. The goal is to see events of pain and stress as opportunities to strengthen our connection to our Divine Neshama. How do we do this?

Step 1 Understanding our Nefesh

Awareness. Ask ourselves, what is this set of feelings, this inner dialogue that is going on between my inner child, my inner parent, my inner critic and the Higher Power?

Look without judgment at this description of the personal reaction, our basic personality. By identifying honestly the loss (physical, emotional, spiritual) and the fearful and angry responses, we come to accept our individual makeup. These feelings are not in our control and can never change. What we do after experiencing them IS in our control. Accept and recognize.

What happens next?

Natural negative thinking…since childhood, our urges from our nefesh press us to blame others after feeling insecure. Automatic negative thinking has created a groove in our brain that is deep and attracts other negative thoughts. By thinking positive thoughts, we build a new groove and eventually sidestep Step 2 below.

Unless we do something to change our thinking, when we have a pain or stress, we will follow it with an insecure thought that will trigger our urge to hurt back. The nurturing voice sheets and the dear child sheets offer emergency first aid thoughts that we learn to inject here, but until we also understand our urge to hurt and what we want to accomplish, we may not know which ones to select. SO…

Step 2 Understanding the Urge to Hurt

This gives us an emotional understanding of our reactions, helps us identify erroneous beliefs, and find nurturing thoughts to calm. Finding our urges on the step 2 page helps us to understand our reactions and helps us find our way back so that we may choose well. What is the goal of our hurtful response? E.G. “I must get angry because it is the only way to get respect.” One immediately sees the erroneous nature of this thought (well, in a world of terrorism, it is important to remember that this is, in fact, erroneous.) It may have manipulative value, and could be practical in forcing someone’s hand, but it would not impress HKBH. He wants us to have what we want, but utilizing such techniques means living by one’s own hand, being satisfied only with what you can take for yourself. Why be satisfied with so little? By controlling yourself and finding a way to sanctify His Name in such a circumstance, He can give in this world and the Eternal world, for you bring Him to visibility and He will maintain you.

Acting on the urge to hurt is with erroneous thinking that we can reconnect ourselves to Hashem through physicality. It is a disguised and erroneous concept. Pursuit of physical world satisfactions alone will not grow or satisfy anyone. That is not to discount action, but the manner of the action is what builds self-confidence and self-respect.

I want to feel better. I have a choice. I can get even and trap my energy in a ziplock bag or I can protect my boundaries in a loving way and transform my nefesh energy into a mitzvah of Sanctifying His name.

Step 3 Choosing at Behira – exercising the will to love

What mitzvah does He hope I do? What middah does He want me to strengthen? Positive actions produce positive thoughts. Why did my neshama beg to be put in this circumstance? What does it need to complete its mission, to grow, to live in Shemayim?

This is the purpose of our lifetime, to grow our souls through building actions based on these thoughts This is what grows our neshama.

See 39 tools to build your inner mishkan cards by Dr. Miriam Adahan (below)

These concepts come from the Zohar and represent how Man, by his actions, focused on these thoughts, can move the spiritual realm and build his Olam Haba. The only thing it is okay to want more of is more closeness to Hashem. We are only keyboards, our lowly bodies placed here but with our physicality we can do what angels cannot…move the Heavens. Focus on a card and act from there. If need be, mentally practice ahead of time to “reprogram”,

Step 4 Endorse yourself for victory over the Yetzer Hara

What if the pain or loss is a complaint or judgment of another?

See Baal Shem Tov sheets.

Spiritual versus Material Realms

A practical description

Each of us has our own personal lens through which we perceive the events around us…and we must be very careful to not draw wrong conclusions from assuming without checking it out that our sensitivities and developed intuition are supported by the facts and not just reflections of our worst fears or old familiar patterns.

We must be able to identify our own tendencies for erroneous beliefs before we can understand more about the reality of what is happening. This requires a fundamental understanding that there is the physical, spatial and temporal world that we experience while we are alive and that there is an emotional and spiritual world that is eternal where we came from and where we are going and to where we are attached while also in this physical world.

With these in mind, let us understand the Rules for Life so as to develop some choices for ourselves on how we live and make decisions.

Rules for Life in the Material Realm

1. I must trust only my sense and my intellect to provide me with the truth. Hence, the physical world is the only world and anything spiritual is unreal.

2. I must respect only those who are strong, attractive, rich, powerful and brilliant. They are superior. Consequently, if I’m not in their league, I must feel inferior, a nothing, without value.

3. I must have no fears, doubts or feelings of vulnerability. If I do, it means I am defective and, therefore, a failure. I strive to be perfect. That will make me the strongest.

4. I must dominate others to secure my sense of self-worth.

5. I must do what feels good. What feels good, is good. What feels bad is bad. A good life is a pain-free life.

6. I must get others to satisfy all my wants. Only when my wants are completely satisfied can I feel happy.

7. I must force people to love and respect me. Then I will feel loved and worthwhile.

8. I cannot be expected to control my thoughts or actions, especially when I’m tired, hungry, hurt, stressed, nervous or provoked.

9. I believe that bad things only happen to bad people. Otherwise, suffering is totally meaningless and unfair.

10. To love is to be weak. Givers get taken advantage of.

Ultimately, these thoughts are doomed. They only lead to a profound sense of frustration, disappointment, and anger.

The only way to pierce through these barriers and connect with the Eternal world, the World of Truth, is by turning to a faculty higher than the intellect, namely faithfulness to the Creator and His Laws. Only through faithfulness can we grasp the true source and purpose of life which the heart, the eyes and the intellect alone can never completely fathom on their own.

Rules for Life in the Spiritual Realm

1. I humbly accept that my intellect is too limited to grasp Absolute reality. That which seems the most permanent to my physical senses is really the most ephemeral. What is most lasting is most spiritual – love, joy and faith. I have no independent existence of my own; I am totally dependent upon the will of the Creator for my existence, minute by minute.

2. Superiority and inferiority are concepts created by the ego to make me feel distant from man and the Creator. Success has nothing to do with outward appearances, only with spiritual accomplishments. People who think they are superior are far from it.

3. I do not entertain childish fantasies of having all my wants supplied. All normal human beings live with some degree of disappointment, uncertainty and anxiety.

4. I have no need to control others. Strong people are superior in this realm. Also, it is not under my control to make people sane, sensitive, or more spiritual. I can only model positive traits. Those who are capable of growing from my example will do so.

5. I trust that painful events are necessary to reveal my spiritual powers. With my physical eyes, I cannot see everything as good, for tragedies and evil do abound. Only from a spiritual perspective can I trust that everything is for the best. Since I am tied to my body, I tend to pursue what gives me pleasure. Discomfort breaks my addiction to petty pursuits and the illusion that the material world can satisfy my deepest needs and turns my focus toward what is eternal. I recognize that instant gratification brings only instants of gratification.

6. I do not rely on people to make me feel secure or worthy. This comes by doing the Creator’s Will. There is an abundance of love in the universe and within myself. If I can’t receive love from one person, there will be other sources. My goal is to feel unconditional love for the Creator.

7. I trust the Old Testament, which says “Be Holy” and “Do not have hatred in your heart.” The Creator has given me the power to control my thoughts, speech, and actions, even when I am not feeling my best.

8. I trust that the Creator’s ways are perfect and that anything He gives me is from His love. The Creator is on my side. He gives me precisely what I need to complete my unique mission in this physical world.

9. No act of love is ever in vain. The more I love, the more I reveal my Holy Essence and experience His love. I love generously to experience His generosity.

10. I strive for betterment, as the Creator values the process. I accept myself as I am, with my Divinely given strengths and weaknesses. I can love others only if I value myself.

If the rules of the spiritual realm seem foreign, give yourself time to let them sink in…a lifetime! We never completely rid ourselves of the illusions set forth in the material world, for we live in both worlds simultaneously. However, as we strive to integrate spiritual truths into our daily lives, we must not negate our “human” or physical side. As adults, we can handle two opposite realities simultaneously, something we could not do as children:

“I refuse to accept and I accept”

“I have no faith and I have faith”

“I am alone and I am never alone”

“I am broken and I am more whole because of my brokenness”

“Life is unbearable and also life is bearable.”

My Dear Child…Nurturing Voice

You are precious to me.

Your infinite value and worth are your birthright and can never be withdrawn.

View yourself as my one and only child at all times.

Hashem has created you in His image, and your task in life is to follow His wishes so that you will always feel close to Him.

You are special (your name). From the beginning of Creation until the end of time there will never be another person exactly like you. You have your own unique personality and were given unique nisyanos (lessons to learn, challenges). Your specific mission was given to you alone.

View the world as having been created especially for you.

You were born into a royal family. You are a child of the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe.

There is no hindrance or obstacle that you cannot overcome if you are totally determined to do so. Hashem will send you shlichim to help you – in person through their teachings or through their writings.

When you feel overwhelmed, throw your burden on the Aibishter. Let Him carry it for you. When you travel light, you will be able to go far.

You may be uncertain about the details of your journey, but choose the path of life. Trust that Hashem will guide you along the way.

The world in which you live is full of miracles, so that you will have a constant reminder of Hashem.

Even if it appears that all is lost, do not give up. Lift up your eyes. Hope creates an inner strength.Your effort and pure intent have immense value – regardless of the outcome.

It is easier to have courage when someone believes in you. I believe in you.

If you ever feel discouraged, realize that Hashem has the ability to change a situation and save you in the twinkling of an eye.

You need not do more than you are capable of doing.

In the beginning of the Torah, you will find the words, “yehi ohr,” Let there be light. This is to teach you that with just two words, total darkness can be transformed into light.

Hashem has given your mind and body amazing strength to heal.

Whether you are in a forest or a jungle, a lake, a desert of an island, or at sea or in the air or are at home, or in some strange land, Hashem is there with you. You are never alone.

Free yourself from the fear of disapproval and you will live a more joyous life. Realize that you have immense value and nothing can diminish your measureless worth by even one molecule.

Your courage to do Hashem’s will in the face of hardships increases your merit. Bear this in mind, and as your worries melt, you will experience great simcha because you will f eel Hashem’s presence.

Hashem is always with you – when all is going well, and when all seems to be going wrong – during moments of joy and during moments of sadness & grief – when you are wide awake and when you are asleep – Hashem is always with you…Hashem is your Guardian, Hashem is your shelter at your right hand.

I love you

I love you just the way Hashem made you. You don’t have to be perfect.

I believe in your strengths.

I love you more than you can possibly imagine.

Your essence is love and joy. You don’t need to change – you just need to discover and express who you are!

You have infinite G-dly value. Those who don’t value you are not seeing the truth.

You have what you need to be happy right now. In this precious present moment, you can find a reason to feel joy and love.

You are so precious to me.

I am always available. I’ll hold you until you’re ready to let go.

I have an unlimited supply of love for you.

The day you were born was the happiest day of my life.

I’m so lucky to have you as my child.

You’re the child I always dreamed of having.

You’re the most important person in my like.

I’ll listen to you. (I don’t have to be busy all the time.)

You don’t have to earn my love. You don’t have to prove yourself. My love for you exists at all times.

I can’t take away the pain in your life, but I can share it with you and endorse you for your courage.

I notice all your acts of self-discipline, all your positive efforts and I’m so proud of you for your courage and loving heart.

Every step forward you take is just fine.

I accept all your feelings. Express them all to me. I understand how much you are suffering at times. I will be there. I will remind you of your strengths.

You make sense!

You have your own unique, precious gift to offer the world.

You belong. You are loved. You deserve to be happy, loved and valued – if others don’t provide it, I will.

I will always be here for you. Always. You can always lean on me. I will support you. I will never fail you.

You bring me abundant joy.

The world is a better place because you are here.

You are a symbol of all hope. Your birth gives the world a chance for a new beginning.

I won’t use you to fill the voids in my life

I won’t make promises I can’t keep

I will take care of my needs so I can take care of you.

There are many people you can trust.

I’ll never scold you for your feelings

It’s o.k. to have feelings that are different than mine.

You don’t have to hurry.

You help me remember the free-spirited child I once was.

I won’t embarrass you in front of others

I will listen without criticizing or judging

You are more important than a clean house

I won’t take out my bad moods on you.

Needing others is a sign of strength.

It’s possible to have inner peace

Your opinions are as valid as anyone else’s opinion

Self-minded does not mean selfish
You are precious, more precious than the most beautiful jewels.

	Spiritual Tools…Build Your Inner Mishkan Sanity Cards
	I Give In For True Peace (As long as there is no danger and my principles are not compromised.)
	Yes, it is distressing, not dangerous. (When I remove the thought of danger, I restore inner peace.)
	Hashem Rewards Every Act Of Patience. Easy does it: one day - one minute - at a time.(Faith makes patience possible.)
	I Am Never Alone…Hashem Shares My Pain. "In all their suffering, He suffers." Yishayahu 63:9
	A lifeling struggle: I Make Hashem's Will My Will Avos 2:5 (Pain breaks negative attachments and illusions and brings us to the Truth.)
	No Eternal Value? Then It's A Triviality
	G-d Rewards Me for Every Moment Of Gratefulness. (I focus on what I have, not on what I lack, for "Gratitude brings one to fulfill the entire Torah." E. Lopian)
	No danger? No sin? Let go…It's Temporary…This Too Will Pass (I don’t' waste precious time on non-constructive feelings.)
	Assertiveness Without Hostility. (If I can't get what I want in a civilized manner, it's a sign that I'm meant to let go and let G-d handle it.)
	Despite my Pain, I don't return an insult with an insult. (Rambam: Do not speak unless you have love in your heart.)
	Prayer is effective (Hashem is close to all who call upon Him.)
	Every Moment of Self-Control Builds Self-Respect! (A hero? One who has self-control. Avos 4:1)
	I Give The Benefit Of The Doubt (Avos 1:6) (Since I don't have X-ray eyes to know what is in another's heart or head, I assume they are not hurting me on purpose but are doing the best they can with tools they have at this moment.)
	Positive Actions Will Banish A Low Mood (eventually.)
	Tshuvah: I Can Replay The Scene This time With Respect
	I don't open my mouth unless I have love in my heart
	Maturity means..Taking Responsibility without excessive responsibility. (...for my mental and physical health.) (I don't blame others for my negative behavior.)
	G-d rewards me for every act of Chesed, Even if I don't receive it in return. "The world is built by kindness." Tehillim "As you give to others, so are you given to." Sotah
	Kadima! I'm not procrastinating (Laziness breeds anxiety and depression. Meisilas Yesharim.)
	It's G-dly to Forgive (Myself and Others) (Compassion conquers anger.)
	I have the courage to be honest. (I avoid denial, rationalizations, exaggerations, excuses and lies.)
	I make the effort: Results are in Hashem's hands. ("There is no blade of grass without a spirit above." Bereshis Rabbah 10:6)
	Hashem wants Progress not Perfection (I am worthy of love and respect as I am, though I cannot always please others or fulfill their needs.)
	G-d Rewards Every Positive Thought and Act. I can restrain my impulses, change my thoughts and disengage from negative feelings.)
	It is a mitzvah to share others' joy and sorrows. Compassion and empathy (Avos 6:6)
	My worth is not determined by external factors. (Not looks, marks or finances..The ability to love is what counts.)
	The highest wisdom Humility: To know that I don't know. Hashem's accountings, original causes, others' intentions or the ultimate consequences of my actions - good or bad.)
	Hashem Loves Me As I Am. "Beloved is man, for he was created in Hashem's image." Avos 3:14. Every person is worthy of love and respect NOW.
	My priorities are spiritual not material.(I do what is most important, not necessarily what is most comfortable.)
	Hooray! I conquered a harmful impulse - and built self-trust! "When a person controls himself a little down below, Hashem consecrates him greatly above." Yoma 39a
	I can function as long as I have Faith Courage & Love. (Every painful event is Hashem's way of giving me a chance to reveal hidden spiritual strengths.)
	Detach, don't judge: focus on solutions not emotions
	I'm realistic not "romantic" I'll never manage it all, please everyone, or have all the love, respect or control I'd like.) (I can't change anyone; I can only model good middos.)
	G-d rewards me for every moment of SILENCE. (The whole world exists in the merit of he who bridles his mouth during a quarrel." (Chulin 89a)
	I can relax, knowing that I'm not exceptional. (Many people face similar feelings problems and reactions.)
	G-d rewards me for Emunah and Bitachon. (Since it is G-d's will that this happen, it must be for my ultimate good. Brachos 60b)
	Even a Mask of love and joy Heals. (Insincere gestures arouse sincere feelings.)
	I have the freedom to choose my response. "Man is given freedom of choice." Avos 3:15 "In whatever way a person wishes to go, he is given heavenly aid." Makkos 10a
	Let this event be a kapara/tikkun. "No man hurts his finger down below unless it is decreed up above." Chulin 7). (His work is perfect. All His ways are just." Devarim 32:4)

THE EMETT EXAMPLE

Fearful Response Angry Response

Get Control of the Urge to Hurt

EVERY MOMENT OF STRESS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO EARN SPIRITUAL VICTORIES

EVERY ACT OF SELF-DISCIPLINE BUILDS SELF-RESPECT

Step 4 Endorsements: What would you have done before EMETT? (Celebrate every small victory over your yetzer hara so that you will be encouraged to greater victories.” CHOVOTH HALEVAVOTH VOL. , P. 23)

REVELATION OF SPIRITUAL POWERS – MIDDOS

Truths that Maintain Love