THE EMETT EXAMPLE

THE GOAL OF EMETT IS TO LEARN HOW TO APPLY TORAH PRINCIPLES DURING TIMES OF STRESS AND LOSS

Step 1: The Event

Briefly describe, in 2 or 3 minutes, the event which caused you pain or stress. (Avoid Lashon Hara by referring to the person as Plainit.)

A. Define the Loss

a. Physical: e.g. money, fun, comfort, beauty, order, privacy, space, structure, safety, time. Sleep.

b. Emotional: e.g. love, control, respect, reputation, sanity (emotional equilibrium), self-confidence, validation, success, understanding, fulfillment of a dream, fairness, trust in self/others, closeness, a sense of belonging to a family/group, usefulness, security.

c. Spiritual: e.g. trust, faith, spiritual advancement, closeness to G-d.

d. Do you fear CATASTROPHIC CONCLUSIONS: permanent physical/mental disability, divorce, death, endless grief? Do you have any other fears?

B. Upsetting Emotions

Fearful Response Angry Response

Abandoned disillusioned jealous threatened angry

Afraid/anxious exploited lowered feelings trapped aggravated

Alone/lonely feelings of unreality misunderstood tricked/betrayed annoyed

Ashamed frozen neglected unappreciated cold/dead

Attacked/invaded frustrated overwhelmed unloved/unneeded contemptuous

Bitter grief stricken panic-stricken unvalued disgusted

Conflicted helpless patronized useless hateful

Confused humiliated sad worn out/drained hostile

Desperate incompetent shrank to zero unfairly punished by G-d impatient

Disappointed insulted stagnating punitive

Discouraged invisible stifled resentful

Stupid vengeful

C. Upsetting Physical Sensations The mind and body are one! Did you have: dry mouth, air hunger, heart palpitations, head pressure, stomach upset, teeth clenching, imagination on fire, general tension, nervous fatigue, insomnia, nausea, twitches, etc. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Step 2: Temper - -

Get Control of the Urge to Hurt

A. Condemnations and Comparisons: e.g. selfish, stupid, defective, incompetent, overly emotional, mediocre, phony, pushy, cruel, unspiritual, boring, insensitive, uncreative, crazy, lazy, untogether, disorganized, greedy, victim, irresponsible, shallow, petty, unworthy, needy, demanding, undisciplined, untrustworthy, narrow, inconsiderate, a total failure.

B. Harmful Impulses: What were your harmful impulses? (Even if you did not give in to them at the time.)

DEFINE THE GOAL OF TEMPER: Why we want to hurt. (Say the first thing that comes to mind, even if it seems silly)

“I must stay _____________________________ (angry, depressed, self-hating, passive, mean, guilt-ridden, sick, anxious, victimized, etc.) because:

A. It is the only way I can get ____________________(e.g. love, control, security, respect, freedom, motivate myself/others to change, escape responsibilities, stay sane, get others to take me seriously, stay in touch with reality, survive, keep others from hurting me, stay in the center of attention.)

B. If I stopped, I would lose _____________________.

Begin Healing:

a. If you had the ideal advisor/parent/friend, what words of love or chizuk would you want to hear at a time like this?

b. Imagine saying these words to yourself (you as a child,) your inner child, now.

c. Write these words down at the earliest opportunity

Step 3A: Spiritual Victories – The Will to Love

(exercises to recycle/transform for the good the energy from “the urge to hurt” in Step 2)

EVERY MOMENT OF STRESS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO EARN SPIRITUAL VICTORIES

1. ACCEPTANCE: I make G-d’s will my will. This situation is perfect for my spiritual growth, though I don’t understand exactly.

2. PRIORITIES: I focus on self-respect, love, joy, mental health. Ratzon Hashem

3. TRIVIALITIES: If this event has no eternal significance, it is a triviality. “Kikyoni”

4. WISDOM: This is a learning experience, nisayon. “Neshama game.” My neshama knows why I need this. Ask G-d, “Do you love me?”

5. AVERAGE: I, the people/event are within the 95% normal range. Averageness is humility.

6. BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT (INNOCENT): “s/He is doing/loving the best s/he can with the tools s/he has at this moment. I choose compassion. Innocent: no davka. People are not withholding; They’re giving what they can give.

7. PEACE IS NOT POWER: Ego victories are empty. I fight only on issues of danger or halacha.

8. EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT: I can learn to under-react to events/sensations/people over which I have no control. “Mental helicopter.”

9. NO RIGHT OR WRONG: except in halacha. If I can’t get it with love, I’m not meant to have it.

10. COURAGE: I can function with this discomfort.

11. THE TOTAL VIEW IS POSITIVE: (If not, outside help may be needed.)

12. PART ACTS: I choose to take the stress one minute (one shelf, one step) at a time.

13. NO COMPETING OR COMPARING: I am valuable as I am for I was created in G-d’s image. Perfectionism is a form of emotional abuse. I am perfectly imperfect.

14. GRATEFULNESS: I train my eyes to focus on Hashem’s gifts to me, not on what I think is lacking.

15. HUMILITY: I can never get all the comfort/control/kavod/closeness I crave.

16. TEMPORARY: It is phasic, not basic.

17. MASK: The insincere gesture of love, joy, sanity and confidence e is better than a sincere gesture of hatred, gloom, or anxiety. Sincere efforts generate sincere feelings eventually.

18. JOY: Self-refinement leads to true joy.

19. DO THE DIFFICULT: Doing the things I fear to do build self-confidence and self-trust.

20. REALISM OVER ROMANTICISM: I have realistic expectations for others and myself.

21. LOVE: I drop condemnations to achieve my goal of unconditional love for G-d, man, and myself.

22. OBJECTIVITY: Fears are not always facts. Let feelings rise and fade on their own.

23. SOLUTIONIZE: Fix it or ignore it. Predispose to future pain with a PEP (Positive Experiential Programming.)

24. FORGIVENESS: I forgive myself and others for our initial response.

25. FAITH: I surrender control of outer environment. I give over the person/event/pain to G-d. I let Him handle it.

26. AUTHORIATIVENESS: I take control and protect my boundaries with love, not hate.

EVERY ACT OF SELF-DISCIPLINE BUILDS SELF-RESPECT

Step 3B: CHANGE BEHAVIOR POSITIVE MUSCULAR ACTS (PMAs)

Prayed, studied Torah, consulted an expert, smiled, kept silent, confronted respectfully, breathed deeply and relaxed, shared feelings, did a chesed, apologized, took a risk wrote down my victories in my classier, walked away, exercised, empathized, cleaned, replayed the scene, etc.

“Positive actions produce positive thoughts.” (Sefer Chinuch #16)

DO NOT OPEN YOUR MOUTH UNLESS YOU HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART

Step 4 Endorsements: What would you have done before EMETT? (Celebrate every small victory over your yetzer hara so that you will be encouraged to greater victories.” CHOVOTH HALEVAVOTH VOL. , P. 23)

1. Recognized Erroneous Beliefs: e.g. “I don’t deserve love or respect because I’m not perfect.” “To get what I want, I must be abusive.” “I can’t control myself.” “If I’m rejected, I’m a failure.” “I must hurt back if I’m hurt.” “People define my value.” “Anger is power.” “If I lose control, I’ll gain control.” “EMETT isn’t helping.” “I will always be alone and unloved.” “I cannot bear disapproval.” “Pain means failure.” “Bad things happen only to bad people.”

Healthy Replacement Beliefs: E.G. “G-d loves me as I am.” “Each step I take has value.” “Effort is success.” “I’m never alone – G-d is always with me.” “I’m developing spiritual strength by facing this pain with hope and courage.” “Every moment of pain is an opportunity to develop spiritual strengths.”

2. I gave up romantic demands for perfection and comfort to develop faith in Hashem’s will.

3. I gave up exceptionality (“I’m the only one”) to develop a sense of normalcy and belonging.

4. I gave up exaggeration of discomfort (“awfulizing”) to develop inner peace.

5. I gave up extrapolating gloomily into the future (“it can only get worse”) to develop hope.

6. I gave up excessive responsibility for others’ happiness, opinions, behavior and middoth (Gave up co-dependency, the compulsion to rescue) to develop humility.

7. I gave up the urge to turn the tafel (trivial) into the ikar ( eternal) to develop proper priorities in life.

8. I gave up evading responsibility to myself and others to develop maturity.

9. I gave up eclipsing the Good (tzelem Elokim) in myself, others or the good in me to develop sanity and a loving heart.

REVELATION OF SPIRITUAL POWERS – MIDDOS

I STRENGTHENED THE FOLLOWING:

Summary Explanation of EMETT Sheet process

Daas…Neshama Divine energy

Animal soul…Nefesh Divine energy

The goal: to utilize our holy energies from our neshama and our life energy from our nefesh to sanctify His Name.

Sometimes a test occurs and we experience it as a pain. Hashem conceals Himself and we experience an event as a loss, pain or stress. This puts us at behira, our free will point. What has been created in the darkness is the possibility to make an error. Instead of sanctifying His name, we may listen to urges that create darkness for others and when we do that, we have made ourselves the Agent of the Soton. The goal is to see events of pain and stress as opportunities to strengthen our connection to our Divine Neshama. How do we do this?

Step 1 Understanding our Nefesh

Awareness. Ask ourselves, what is this set of feelings, this inner dialogue that is going on between my inner child, my inner parent, my inner critic and the Higher Power?

Look without judgment at this description of the personal reaction, our basic personality. By identifying honestly the loss (physical, emotional, spiritual) and the fearful and angry responses, we come to accept our individual makeup. These feelings are not in our control and can never change. What we do after experiencing them IS in our control. Accept and recognize.

What happens next?

Natural negative thinking…since childhood, our urges from our nefesh press us to blame others after feeling insecure. Automatic negative thinking has created a groove in our brain that is deep and attracts other negative thoughts. By thinking positive thoughts, we build a new groove and eventually sidestep Step 2 below.

Unless we do something to change our thinking, when we have a pain or stress, we will follow it with an insecure thought that will trigger our urge to hurt back. The nurturing voice sheets and the dear child sheets offer emergency first aid thoughts that we learn to inject here, but until we also understand our urge to hurt and what we want to accomplish, we may not know which ones to select. SO…

Step 2 Understanding the Urge to Hurt

This gives us an emotional understanding of our reactions, helps us identify erroneous beliefs, and find nurturing thoughts to calm. Finding our urges on the step 2 page helps us to understand our reactions and helps us find our way back so that we may choose well. What is the goal of our hurtful response? E.G. “I must get angry because it is the only way to get respect.” One immediately sees the erroneous nature of this thought (well, in a world of terrorism, it is important to remember that this is, in fact, erroneous.) It may have manipulative value, and could be practical in forcing someone’s hand, but it would not impress HKBH. He wants us to have what we want, but utilizing such techniques means living by one’s own hand, being satisfied only with what you can take for yourself. Why be satisfied with so little? By controlling yourself and finding a way to sanctify His Name in such a circumstance, He can give in this world and the Eternal world, for you bring Him to visibility and He will maintain you.

Acting on the urge to hurt is with erroneous thinking that we can reconnect ourselves to Hashem through physicality. It is a disguised and erroneous concept. Pursuit of physical world satisfactions alone will not grow or satisfy anyone. That is not to discount action, but the manner of the action is what builds self-confidence and self-respect.

I want to feel better. I have a choice. I can get even and trap my energy in a ziplock bag or I can protect my boundaries in a loving way and transform my nefesh energy into a mitzvah of Sanctifying His name.

Step 3 Choosing at Behira – exercising the will to love

What mitzvah does He hope I do? What middah does He want me to strengthen? Positive actions produce positive thoughts. Why did my neshama beg to be put in this circumstance? What does it need to complete its mission, to grow, to live in Shemayim?

This is the purpose of our lifetime, to grow our souls through building actions based on these thoughts This is what grows our neshama.

See 39 tools to build your inner mishkan cards by Dr. Miriam Adahan (below)

These concepts come from the Zohar and represent how Man, by his actions, focused on these thoughts, can move the spiritual realm and build his Olam Haba. The only thing it is okay to want more of is more closeness to Hashem. We are only keyboards, our lowly bodies placed here but with our physicality we can do what angels cannot…move the Heavens. Focus on a card and act from there. If need be, mentally practice ahead of time to “reprogram”,

Step 4 Endorse yourself for victory over the Yetzer Hara

What if the pain or loss is a complaint or judgment of another?

See Baal Shem Tov sheets.

Spiritual versus Material Realms

A practical description

Each of us has our own personal lens through which we perceive the events around us…and we must be very careful to not draw wrong conclusions from assuming without checking it out that our sensitivities and developed intuition are supported by the facts and not just reflections of our worst fears or old familiar patterns.

We must be able to identify our own tendencies for erroneous beliefs before we can understand more about the reality of what is happening. This requires a fundamental understanding that there is the physical, spatial and temporal world that we experience while we are alive and that there is an emotional and spiritual world that is eternal where we came from and where we are going and to where we are attached while also in this physical world.

With these in mind, let us understand the Rules for Life so as to develop some choices for ourselves on how we live and make decisions.

Rules for Life in the Material Realm

1. I must trust only my sense and my intellect to provide me with the truth. Hence, the physical world is the only world and anything spiritual is unreal.

2. I must respect only those who are strong, attractive, rich, powerful and brilliant. They are superior. Consequently, if I’m not in their league, I must feel inferior, a nothing, without value.

3. I must have no fears, doubts or feelings of vulnerability. If I do, it means I am defective and, therefore, a failure. I strive to be perfect. That will make me the strongest.

4. I must dominate others to secure my sense of self-worth.

5. I must do what feels good. What feels good, is good. What feels bad is bad. A good life is a pain-free life.

6. I must get others to satisfy all my wants. Only when my wants are completely satisfied can I feel happy.

7. I must force people to love and respect me. Then I will feel loved and worthwhile.

8. I cannot be expected to control my thoughts or actions, especially when I’m tired, hungry, hurt, stressed, nervous or provoked.

9. I believe that bad things only happen to bad people. Otherwise, suffering is totally meaningless and unfair.

10. To love is to be weak. Givers get taken advantage of.

Ultimately, these thoughts are doomed. They only lead to a profound sense of frustration, disappointment, and anger.

The only way to pierce through these barriers and connect with the Eternal world, the World of Truth, is by turning to a faculty higher than the intellect, namely faithfulness to the Creator and His Laws. Only through faithfulness can we grasp the true source and purpose of life which the heart, the eyes and the intellect alone can never completely fathom on their own.

Rules for Life in the Spiritual Realm

1. I humbly accept that my intellect is too limited to grasp Absolute reality. That which seems the most permanent to my physical senses is really the most ephemeral. What is most lasting is most spiritual – love, joy and faith. I have no independent existence of my own; I am totally dependent upon the will of the Creator for my existence, minute by minute.

2. Superiority and inferiority are concepts created by the ego to make me feel distant from man and the Creator. Success has nothing to do with outward appearances, only with spiritual accomplishments. People who think they are superior are far from it.

3. I do not entertain childish fantasies of having all my wants supplied. All normal human beings live with some degree of disappointment, uncertainty and anxiety.

4. I have no need to control others. Strong people are superior in this realm. Also, it is not under my control to make people sane, sensitive, or more spiritual. I can only model positive traits. Those who are capable of growing from my example will do so.

5. I trust that painful events are necessary to reveal my spiritual powers. With my physical eyes, I cannot see everything as good, for tragedies and evil do abound. Only from a spiritual perspective can I trust that everything is for the best. Since I am tied to my body, I tend to pursue what gives me pleasure. Discomfort breaks my addiction to petty pursuits and the illusion that the material world can satisfy my deepest needs and turns my focus toward what is eternal. I recognize that instant gratification brings only instants of gratification.

6. I do not rely on people to make me feel secure or worthy. This comes by doing the Creator’s Will. There is an abundance of love in the universe and within myself. If I can’t receive love from one person, there will be other sources. My goal is to feel unconditional love for the Creator.

7. I trust the Old Testament, which says “Be Holy” and “Do not have hatred in your heart.” The Creator has given me the power to control my thoughts, speech, and actions, even when I am not feeling my best.

8. I trust that the Creator’s ways are perfect and that anything He gives me is from His love. The Creator is on my side. He gives me precisely what I need to complete my unique mission in this physical world.

9. No act of love is ever in vain. The more I love, the more I reveal my Holy Essence and experience His love. I love generously to experience His generosity.

10. I strive for betterment, as the Creator values the process. I accept myself as I am, with my Divinely given strengths and weaknesses. I can love others only if I value myself.

If the rules of the spiritual realm seem foreign, give yourself time to let them sink in…a lifetime! We never completely rid ourselves of the illusions set forth in the material world, for we live in both worlds simultaneously. However, as we strive to integrate spiritual truths into our daily lives, we must not negate our “h